There isn’t a tighter shirt. We checked!

Get off Megan Fox’s cock. Like, seriously. Yeah she’s hot and 80% of guys would sleep with her (me included), but I’m sick of hearing about her. Hotness doesn’t mean you’re a good actor. It means you’re hot and that’s it. Hey! Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen!

No synopsis is needed because this movie has already been out for two weeks and made over $200,000,000 in it’s first 5 days. Plus I didn’t like it.

That’s right. I didn’t like Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Who’d have guessed, right? I really didn’t even have any care to see it in the first place. But I get bored easy and don’t have to pay for 90% of the movies I see, so me and a buddy saw it.

Going into the theater and finding our seats, I figured the worst part about seeing ROTF would be the 6 pre-teen girls sitting next to us. And after hearing each of them squeal and cream their training panties at the Twilight: New Moon trailer, I was right. But then, the movie began, and the experience got worse. So much worse.

So let’s see what was wrong with Michael Bay’s newest action movie:

1. Transformers coverup?
In Transformers, a huge fucking battle took place within the city. There were crazy fight sequences on freeways, in the middle of the night on city streets, and a final confrontation downtown. In each of these battles, dozens of buildings were damaged beyond repair by both the Transformers as well as the U.S. Military. And people saw it. Remember that slow-mo shot of the girl screaming as the Autobots few over her head? However, in ROTF, no one knows about the Transformers. The Autobots are a super-duper-ultra-mega-secret team that help against rivaling Decepticons. The only information anyone outside of this secret club, with no girls allowed, knows is from posts on the Interbutts as hoaxes, speculation, or rumors.

2. Transformers fuck?
Apparently, even putting Megan Fox in your movie cant bring enough sex appeal to a movie. And due to this, the film crew not only found it necessary to make the Deception that Megan Fox makes her pet, hump her leg not once, but twice; they made the wise decision to add big swinging balls to Devastator. WHAT THE FUCK?! Seriously. They’re big metal aliens. How would they even–where does he put the–I don’t want to think about it.

3. Transformers can be humans?
That’s the case with Alice (Isabel Lucas). So since Transformers can take the shape of humans, why not maybe take the form of the U.S. President? Maybe a high-level military person who has access to where Megatron was hidden or the Allspark? Something plausible? Nah, fuck that. Let’s make her a hot girl who can try to smash Shia LeBeouf.

4. Evasive maneuvers / magic bandages?
So after walking out the back door of the Smithsonian, which I’m 100% sure doesn’t lead to a fucking desert, the cast finds themselves in a chase from some middle-eastern police of some kind. After making 2 left turns, the film cuts to Megan Fox with a black shirt tied around her face to “blend in” and make sure the coast is clear. Hmmm? In another spot in the movie, after being magically projected to the right desert….Shia LaBeouf has a cast around his arm. FUN FACT! Shia LaBeouf had a little fender bender last year when he decided to drive drunk. No need to delay shooting though, let’s just show him in the movie with a medically issued cast in the middle of a desert with no explanation at all.

I could go on, but it’s not worth the time. I don’t know if the mistakes made in this movie were entirely Michael Bay’s fault or the writers Ehren Kruger and Roberto Orci. Maybe the cast? Kraft Service? No clue. But someone should have definitely stood up at one point, pulled their dick out of Megan Fox and said “Something’s wrong here.”

2.0 out of 10.

FAP JUICE! FAP JUICE! FAP JUICE!

This pic has been floating around the Interbutts for about a week now, but if you haven’t seen it, here it is. Johnny Depp as The Mad Hatter!!! He looks kind of like Elijah Wood though, right?

Anyways, if you didn’t know, Tim Burton is directing a live-action version of Lewis Carrol’s Alice In Wonderland. And it is going to be what I like to call, the awesome balls.

Along with Johnny Depp to look forward to, you’ve got Helena Bonham Carter as The Queen of Hearts, Anne Hathaway as The White Queen, Christopher Lee as The Jabberwock, and Alan Rickman as The Caterpillar. 2010 can’t get here fast enough!!

Since you fucked that waiter on your cruise last year. BOOM!

Every once in a while a movie comes along that changes a few things. The way you think of fraternities (Old School). The way you think of KY wrestling (Old School). The way you think of Elisha Cuthbert (Old School). – Damn I wanna watch Old School now. Anyways, then there’s Todd Phillips’ newest comedy; The Hangover. Which will change the way you’ll either want or not want your bachelor party in Las Vegas to go.

Doug Billings (Justin Bartha) is 72 hrs away from getting married. Based on tradition, before you can join the love of your life for the rest of your life, you have to have one final night of ranchy, explicit, unadulterated fun with no consequences. At least that’s what I’m looking forward too told. Making sure Doug has the time of his life are his two friends, Phil Wenneck (Bradley Cooper) and Stu Price (Ed Helms), as well as his future brother-in-law, Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis). Joined by “The Wolf Pack” (you’ll get it when you see the movie) and set up in a $4,000+ a night penthouse in Vegas, anything is possible. However, after waking up the next morning, Phil, Stu, and Alan find themselves confused as fuck. Together they try to retrace their steps from the previous night, not just to figure out just what the fuck happened, but also to find Doug and make sure he gets to his wedding.

Second funniest movie I’ve seen all year. I know I’ll get shit for this, but I liked I Love You, Man more. Could be due to me having a man-crush on the man-tastic Paul Rudd. Could be due to me having a full-fledged crush on the ever so hot Rashida Jones. Who knows? But while I have it has my second favorite comedy so far, that doesn’t make The Hangover any less awesome. It most definitely brings the LULZ and it brings them hard.

Let’s check out the cast. First up; Bradley Cooper. He’s pretty much known for playing the douchebag, Zach “Sack” Lodge, in Wedding Crashers. Girls, you may also know him as Ben Gunders in He’s Just Not That Into You. Whatever you may know him as, he’s a solid actor and seems to be a pretty cool guy. I don’t really remember seeing him in much other than the two movies mentioned above, but who cares? In The Hangover, he plays the part of a grown up college frat-boy who enjoys the time away from his job (as a teacher, by the way), wife, and kids by getting shit-housed in Vegas. If I threw a party, you can be sure Cooper would be on the list.

Ed Helms. Let’s face it, he’s hilarious. He’s pretty well known for his role as “Ed Helms” on The Daily Show and is probably best known for his role as Andy Bernard on The Office. He was also in one episode of Arrested Development. Seriously. Look it up. Anyway, what Helms lacks in looks (because Bradley Cooper stole them all) he makes up for in comedy. He plays the part of Stu Price. Stu is in a committed relationship with a total bitch. The first time we see Stu, he’s being bitched at by his girlfriend. But once with The Wolfpack, Stu hangs loose and is able to breathe. If I threw a party, you can be sure Helms would help me form the list.

Zach Galifianakis. Who the hell is this guy?! I haven’t seen him in anything other than this and I love him already! Galifianakis plays Alan Garner. I wasn’t sure if Alan was mentally challenged or if he was just a weirdo who didn’t get out much. Whatever was wrong with him, it was great. Seriously, Galifianakis was awesome. The humor he brought to The Hangover was like that of a child. He made dumb, idiotic, completely random statements during the entire movie and each one was better than the one before it. “You guys get beeper reception?” “You ready to let the dogs out?” “Your language is offensive!” Fucking classic. If I threw a party, you can be sure that Galifianakis would be “the list”.

Todd Philips’ The Hangover has now set the precedent for not only comedies, but for how bananas all bachelor parties should be from this day forward!

8.0 out of 10.

You realize every time you suit up, every time we go out, it’s life or death.

The U.S. Army has this little thing called the “Explosive Ordinance Disposal” unit, or the EOD. Basically, when a bomb is found, they are called in to dismantle the bomb and render it “safe” so it can be disposed of. Safest job ever! Ch-yeah. Where do I sign up, right?

With our current state of being at war, the EOD is set up in Iraq and are forced to play a cat and mouse game where everyone is a potential enemy. Staff Sergeant William James (James Renner) is the new leader of the EOD team stationed in Iraq. He is joined by Sergeant JT Sanborn (Anthony Mackie) and Specialist Owen Eldridge (Brian Geraghty). Together they are forced to not only defuse bombs in the backdrop of a war, but also deal with the psychological and emotional strain that it inflicts.

The Hurt Locker isn’t set to be released until June 26. And it won’t be getting a wide release until some time in July. But that’s why they invented the Interwebs. Anyway, The Hurt Locker is awesome. It gives you, from what I can tell, one of the most accurate views of how day to day life is while being involved in the war in Iraq. I honestly haven’t enjoyed a “war” movie this much since seeing The Kingdom.

Jeremy Renner is a complete character as Staff Sergeant William James. You may know Renner from his quirky detective work on ABC’s The Unusuals. I don’t because that show is garbage. However, he was still cool as Wood Hite in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. In The Hurt Locker though, Renner is a wild man. He is the diffuser. The technician. He’s the one who suits up and faces the bomb on his own. It’s a ridiculously crazy job, but Renner shows anxious delight rather than fear at each obstacle he’s faced with.

Renner’s backup, played by Anthony Mackie and Brian Geraghty provide you with different views on the mindset of soldiers at war. Mackie as Sergeant JT Sanborn is a man who understands he is at war and has a mission to accomplish. He doesn’t make a fuss about the missions he is assigned to go on. The only complaint he has is when other soldiers do not follow orders or communicate properly. Geraghty as Specialist Owen Eldridge is broken. His performance seemed the most genuine to me. He’s a soldier who expected war to be hell, but nothing like this. He sees a stationed therapist to keep his sanity as best he can, but watching the movie, I thought “if this guy survives the war, he’s still dead, because he’s going to kill himself.”

In closing, The Hurt Locker will keep you on the edge of your seat the entire way through. It’s a non-stop, non-apologetic, emotional view into the lives of soldiers at war dealing with one of the most dangerous duties there is. Definitely one to see.

9 out of 10.