There isn’t a tighter shirt. We checked!

Get off Megan Fox’s cock. Like, seriously. Yeah she’s hot and 80% of guys would sleep with her (me included), but I’m sick of hearing about her. Hotness doesn’t mean you’re a good actor. It means you’re hot and that’s it. Hey! Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen!

No synopsis is needed because this movie has already been out for two weeks and made over $200,000,000 in it’s first 5 days. Plus I didn’t like it.

That’s right. I didn’t like Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Who’d have guessed, right? I really didn’t even have any care to see it in the first place. But I get bored easy and don’t have to pay for 90% of the movies I see, so me and a buddy saw it.

Going into the theater and finding our seats, I figured the worst part about seeing ROTF would be the 6 pre-teen girls sitting next to us. And after hearing each of them squeal and cream their training panties at the Twilight: New Moon trailer, I was right. But then, the movie began, and the experience got worse. So much worse.

So let’s see what was wrong with Michael Bay’s newest action movie:

1. Transformers coverup?
In Transformers, a huge fucking battle took place within the city. There were crazy fight sequences on freeways, in the middle of the night on city streets, and a final confrontation downtown. In each of these battles, dozens of buildings were damaged beyond repair by both the Transformers as well as the U.S. Military. And people saw it. Remember that slow-mo shot of the girl screaming as the Autobots few over her head? However, in ROTF, no one knows about the Transformers. The Autobots are a super-duper-ultra-mega-secret team that help against rivaling Decepticons. The only information anyone outside of this secret club, with no girls allowed, knows is from posts on the Interbutts as hoaxes, speculation, or rumors.

2. Transformers fuck?
Apparently, even putting Megan Fox in your movie cant bring enough sex appeal to a movie. And due to this, the film crew not only found it necessary to make the Deception that Megan Fox makes her pet, hump her leg not once, but twice; they made the wise decision to add big swinging balls to Devastator. WHAT THE FUCK?! Seriously. They’re big metal aliens. How would they even–where does he put the–I don’t want to think about it.

3. Transformers can be humans?
That’s the case with Alice (Isabel Lucas). So since Transformers can take the shape of humans, why not maybe take the form of the U.S. President? Maybe a high-level military person who has access to where Megatron was hidden or the Allspark? Something plausible? Nah, fuck that. Let’s make her a hot girl who can try to smash Shia LeBeouf.

4. Evasive maneuvers / magic bandages?
So after walking out the back door of the Smithsonian, which I’m 100% sure doesn’t lead to a fucking desert, the cast finds themselves in a chase from some middle-eastern police of some kind. After making 2 left turns, the film cuts to Megan Fox with a black shirt tied around her face to “blend in” and make sure the coast is clear. Hmmm? In another spot in the movie, after being magically projected to the right desert….Shia LaBeouf has a cast around his arm. FUN FACT! Shia LaBeouf had a little fender bender last year when he decided to drive drunk. No need to delay shooting though, let’s just show him in the movie with a medically issued cast in the middle of a desert with no explanation at all.

I could go on, but it’s not worth the time. I don’t know if the mistakes made in this movie were entirely Michael Bay’s fault or the writers Ehren Kruger and Roberto Orci. Maybe the cast? Kraft Service? No clue. But someone should have definitely stood up at one point, pulled their dick out of Megan Fox and said “Something’s wrong here.”

2.0 out of 10.

Tags: Action, Adventure, Autobots, Depecpticons, John Turturro, Josh Duhamel, Megan Fox, Megatron, Michael Bay, Movie, Movie Review, Optimus Prime, Ramon Rodriguez, Revenge of the Fallen, Review, Shia Labeouf, Transformers, Transformers 2, Transformers Review, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Tyrese Gibson